Have you ever been in a situation with someone where you just could not connect?
Maybe it was an argument and the more that was said the farther apart you became. Maybe you really wanted to get to know someone and no matter how hard you tried you could not connect.
There is a very logical and scientific reason for this: The words we speak only communicate 7% of the message we are trying to send, and it is the last 7% of the message that is received. Think about this!
Speaking is the least effective form of communicating or in this case connecting. It is not that words don't matter, but if you want them to be effective you need to focus on the other 93% of the communication process.
What is the other 93%?
The other 93% of the communication process include: the tone of your voice; the speed at which you speak; the expression on your face, your ability to listen without judgment…
I’d like to share one very effective and easy technique that can immediately have you connect to and be in sync with 93% of the communication process.
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the fairest one of all" You probably remember that fairy tale… right? Well, according to linguistics and people who study nonverbal communication there is plenty of truth in this story. You see, all of us at a subconscious level like or trust people that we believe are like us. And how do we know if they are like us? If we try to connect with just our words, it is hit or miss, usually miss, and we struggle to create rapport.
Most people try to be “in rapport” by using words to try to find common interests. " You like Blue, I like Blue." "Did you see the game? I love that team too.' But if words only constitute 7% of the communication process… and it is the last 7%, then you have an explanation of why meaningful connection doesn't work most of the time.
Your body and mind are connected together in a cybernetic loop. Your body is an extension of your mind, allowing your thoughts to act upon the world… Your senses feed the results of those actions back into your mind. You are inseparably part of a feedback loop comprising you and the world around you. You can use this principle:
Try standing up straight, taking deep breathes… and try to feel depressed, or… put your head down, slouch and get excited. It is impossible.
We will cover more about how to use your body cues and expressions in another blog post. For now, let's see how we can use the cybernetic loop principal to improve our ability to communicate effectively. Let’s return to the mirror exercise:
If you mirror someone else's posture: how they breathe, the speed at which they speak… you will become connected to them at a cybernetic loop level. You will connect with them at a level that includes the over looked 93%. You will begin to feel more of what they feel and think more like they think, as you change and shift they will to, and vise versa. Magic happens in the realm of the 93%.
Remember, people like and trust people that they perceive are like them. From years of experience using this principle, you will connect in profound ways without even saying a word. Because of the cybernetic loop effect, you establish deep trust and rapport very quickly. You will be able to read the non verbal cues to be impactful, effective and respectful.
Next time you perceive "it is not working”, be it in sales… meeting someone for the first time… or even an argument, stop and notice how you can shift your posture, sync your breath with theirs, and the speed at which you are speaking to match theirs. Stop talking, listen… and mirror them.
Everything we do in life is based on communication. As your communication gets better your life gets better. Learn and use this simple and powerful principles to to take your effectivness to the next level!
As a teacher of mine once said, "you can be right or you can be effective".
Be sure to listen to the attached audio file for useful techniques ond exercises on how to use non verbal communication to connect with yourself and other people.
Mirror mirror on the wall..... when you mirror me I feel like the fairest one of all!